Bell Rates... Quinny's Yer Maw

type: lager
origin: Homebrew
ABV: ~4.1%
location: house
served: 500ml bottle to glass


Another Homebrew given to me by a colleague to sample, this time by the inimitable Quinny. He's decided to call it 'Yer Maw', purely for laughs when somebody orders it; "A pint of Yer Maw please mate." and so on. I can see it being a lot more amusing for the patron than the bar staff to be honest.

Well, until they run out of it, and the bartender gets to say "Yer Maw's off, mate". Oh! or if they kept the prices low, then they could say "Yer Maw's on special offer: two quid". Either way, it's bound to cause fights when somebody asks "whit ye drinkin'?" when it's their round, and is answered appropriately.

But anyroad, you need to mention how the stuff tastes in a review, otherwise it's just speculation, and speculation is difficult to quantify out of twelve.


Smell: Yer Maw smells of Yeast, more than anything (couldn't resist that one!) which is odd given the lack of sediment. Slight fruity aroma, but heavily masked by the yeast. 2/4

Colour: pale yellow with good clarity, good levels of carbonation for the style. 3/4

Taste: very dry, but quite refreshing. A bit of carbon, little malt taste or sweetness, but not much hop taste either - but that's style-correct if you compare it to a standard commercial lager. More aftertaste than a commercial brew though. 3/4

Overall: A good first attempt, well handled to achieve the clarity and lack of sediment with a decent level of carbonation. A possible rival to Stella Artois*  8/12


As ever, when using a homebrew kit, it's difficult to get wildly different results from the next person, but apart from the yeasty aroma Yer Maw's turned out pretty well. The fermentation was probably a bit warm, and it may have benefited from a longer ageing period, but a fine first attempt and I look forward to sampling the second attempt.



* due to the probability of violence

Bell rates... Bel Pils

type: Lager
origin: Belgium
ABV: 5.0%
location: house
served: 250ml bottle to glass

I acquired a bottle of this purely because it had (most of) my name on it.

As good a reason as any, I feel, and one that turned out to be quite fortuitous, as the beer is actually pretty decent.

It's a product of Duvel Moortgat Brewery, and while many breweries are happy just to make a basic, pale beer with a bottom-fermenting yeast and call it a Pilsner, it's good to see Duvel making a bit more of an effort. The average euro-lager tends to be a disappointing affair, with little taste, little aroma and little head retention, engineered to be bland and therefore inoffensive. Proper application of hops is evident, and while it's not exactly a world-class Pilsner, at least it's identifiably a beer, and therefore scores better than more commercial brews.

Smell: light, fresh Saaz hop aroma, with a hint of malt coming through. 3/4

Colour: a pale yellow, with a great, frothy white head. 3/4

Taste: a little bit of toasted malt, with a balanced hop bitterness and a dry finish. 3/4

Overall: a very drinkable European Pilsner 9/12

Bell Rates... Timothy Taylor's Landlord

type: Pale Ale
origin: England
ABV: 4.1%
location: house
served: 500ml bottle to glass

Last May, while on a trip down to that London, I encountered this beer, and I was impressed. After a drunken tour of Soho (and the predicable accidental patronage of a gay bar: "not many women in here, eh?" then "here, wait a minute..." etc.) we ended up in a proper cockney pub, Guvnah, apples & pears, cor blimey, lawd luv a duck.

So anyroad, I had initially intended to sample a number of the cask ales they had on tap in this place, and the first one (working from the left) was 'Landlord'. The pump clip was clearly home-made until the brewery supplied a proper one, but the beer was tremendous, and I was forced to abandon my plan to sample the next one along the row of taps. I later got a knock-back from a lesbian bar on the understandable grounds I was not a woman.

A few months later, I found myself in a random boozer in Leamington Spa on a Wednesday night... and to my delight they had Landlord on tap! After a brief bit of confusion, where the landlord of the establishment thought I was calling for him, I managed to order a pint of it. Oh how we all laughed!

Actually, that's a lie. Nobody laughed. In fact, he locals all seemed quite worried by the fact five drunken Scottish randomly people wandered into their local on a Wednesday night and one of them began yelling about the availability of a certain Pale Ale. It was a bit like a western, and we were the strangers. Needless to say we only stayed for one drink.

So anyroad, the beer! I was pleased to see it in bottle form on the shelves of my local Tesco, and snapped it up quickly.

Smell: Very strong initial malt, then the hops come through. Hop level is well balanced. 3/4

Colour: Deep copper, with good clarity. 4/4

Taste: Good bitterness levels, well balanced with the dry, roasted malt flavours. The hops are evident, but don't overshadow the malt sweetness. medium-light mouthfeel. 4/4

Overall: Worth going to London for. 11/12



NB: the gay bar actually served the best pint of Guinness I had all weekend.

Bell Rates... Newcastle Founders' Ale

type: Pale Ale
origin: Newcastle, England
ABV: 4.8%
location: house
served: 355ml bottle to glass


Having thoroughly enjoyed the Summer Ale, I opted to sample another of the Newcastle seasonal beers. Sadly, for me, this one doesn't quite measure up to the standard set by the first one.

I feel the bitterness overshadows the malt too much, except for the toasted-butter-biscuit notes, which are more evident in the aroma than in the taste.

Smell: Biscuits, primarily, and a hint of Diacetyl. Floral hops waiting to pounce.  2/4

Colour: The strong-point, by far, is the bronze hue. head could have been better though. 3/4

Taste: Admittedly a varied flavour, with a fair amount of aftertaste, but the aftertaste isn't ideal, and the butter remains. Right on the edge of being too bitter and quite dry. While the Summer Ale struck a good balance between the maltiness and bitterness, this Founders' Ale seems a bit.  2/4

Overall: Decent enough, but I suspect that with a different variety of hops it could have been a real winner. Like something of Geordie Shore, it looks good, but lacks personality. 7/12


NB: I have never actually seen Geordie Shore, and that may therefore be an unfair comparison.

Bell rates... Tennents Pilsner

type: lager 
origin: Scotland 
ABV: 3.4% 
location: Moriarty's, Cumbernauld 
served: draught pint 

'Pilsner'? Eh, no.

Smell: almost nothing 1/4

Colour: looks almost like a Pilsner, but not quite 2/4

Taste: not like Pilsner, anyway. 1/4

Overall: should be done by trading standards. There's nothing to connect this slop with Plzeň, or anywhere that produces proper lager. Avoid. 4/12

Bell Rates... Rekorderlig Peach & Apricot

type: Fruit cider
origin: Sweden
ABV: 4.0%
location: house
served: bottle to glass, over ice


Another addition to the seemingly endless varieties of fruit cider, Rekorderlig have brought us a blend of peach and apricot. I'd have expected those two fruits to end up in a chutney more than a cider, but experimentation is to be encouraged.

Rekorderlig must always draw a comparison to Sweden's other big fruit cider exporter, Kopparberg. Their ciders are generally less sweet (from my experience, anyway) than Kopparberg's offerings, and Peach & Apricot is no exception to that rule.

There's not much in the way of tartness, which i would have expected from the apricot, which could be a good thing. It's refreshing enough, but the flavour is a shade subdued. That said, too strong a flavour may have been overpowering. I do wonder if some extra spices fired into the recipe might have been beneficial, just to accent the flavours a shade.

Smell: fruity aroma, predictably! fresh, but not overly strong. 2/4

Colour: pale pinky-orange colour. peach, basically. 3/4

Taste: a subtle, but distinctive taste. refreshing, and not overly sweet. 3/4

Overall: different, and definitely worth a try. 8/12

Bell Rates... Stella Cidre Pear

type: Pear Cider
origin: Belgium
ABV: 4.5%
location: House
served: 568ml bottle to glass, over ice


So InBev have augmented their 'Cidre' with a pear version, presumably hoping to challenge Kopparberg's domination.

I can't really blame them. After all, their standard apple version is basically a Magners clone, with toned down flavour and colour, and Magners have a pear version (to try and challenge Kopparberg) so why shouldn't Stella?

Thus, we now have a Pear version - but shouldn't that be 'Poire', keeping with the French-language branding? Or, even better, 'Poiré' - which is the French name for pear cider.

Smell: As with the apple version, there's hardly any aroma at all. A slight hint of pear, but . 2/4

Colour: A very pale greenish-yellow. Actually looks a bit like weak soda water and lime, certainly more than it looks like cider. 1/4

Taste: Definitely less sweet than Kopparberg, and less flavoursome. About on a par with quite a few of the generic pear ciders, and definitely drinkable if no alternative exists. 2/4

Overall: No cider brand is complete without a pear version these days, it seems, but the Stella version is pretty generic. Another basic cash-in, rather than any attempt to make an interesting new product. 5/12
  
"C'est poiré, not pear cidre!"

Bell rates... Newcastle Summer Ale

type: Ale

origin: Newcastle, England

ABV: 4.4%

location: house

served: 355ml bottle to glass

I bought a couple of bottles of Newcastle 'Summer Ale' a few months ago. Today, a late-August afternoon, was truly representative of Scottish summer weather: periods of torrential rain, thunder and lightning and 11°C temperatures. Therefore, it seemed fitting to break out the 'Summer' Ale.

Fundamentally a blonde ale, the back label lists wheat among the ingredients, and I suspect a small portion of the grain bill was more heavily roasted than would be the average for a typical pale ale of this type. I didn't detect a great deal of maltiness, but there was a slight roasted element to what I did take from it.

The hop character is far more evident though, both in the aroma and the taste.

Smell - Very hoppy, with a slightly floral element. A slight alcohol smell is also evident, but overall pleasant. 3/4

Colour - A clean, clear copper, with a good, creamy, white head. 3/4

Taste - Bitterness is the main element here, with not a lot of maltiness, but the bitterness isn't overpowering, and the flavour is quite palatable. Good aftertaste. Light mouthfeel, sharp and refreshing. 4/4

Overall - It has to be said, if you're able to drink it in a time and place that than reasonably be classified as 'summer' then it's quite successful as a pleasant, refreshing tipple. Might make a good BBQ beer if you're able to get one lit befor the rain comes back on. 10/12

Bell rates... Lia Fail

type: Ale

origin: Scotland

ABV: 4.7%

location: house

served: pint bottle to glass

A dark ale from Inveralmond Brewery, Lia Fail conforms to the independent Scottish brewery template with the branding, with a highly-Scottish theme happening throughout. The name is Gaelic for 'Stone of Destiny', and the label features celtic knotwork and a scenic landscape scene.

This one was bought for me by famous film-maker and cage dancer Jaggy Jay. Well, not this bottle specifically, but I'm still grateful.

The ingredients are helpfully given on the reverse, and a portion of the malt seems to be wheat, and although it doesn't have much of a distinctive wheat character, clearly adds to the richness. The Hops are listed as Challenger, Fuggles and - American craft-brewer's favourite - Cascade. Three hop varieties, but they all seem to have been added early on in the mash, as they've not really imparted any aroma, but plenty of bitterness and flavour.

Smell - Somewhat lacking, both in hoppiness and maltiness.  2/4

Colour - A nice dark reddy-brown. Good clarity. Good off-white head. 3/4

Taste - Well balanced and rich, with a range of flavours developing. Dark chocolate coming through after the initial bitterness. Medium body. Loads of aftertaste, which is where the hops are most evident. 4/4

Overall - A good beer, only let down by the underwhelming aroma - especially given the hoppiness of the aftertaste. 9/12

Bell rates... Löwenbräu Original

type: Helles Lager

origin: Germany

ABV: 5.2%

location: house

served: 330ml bottle to glass

Löwenbräu ('Lion's Brew') Original is the export version of the Helles sold in Bavaria. Obviously, being an export version, it's going to be brewed to a slightly more broad-market standard, in the typical commercial manner.

Or is it?

Well, kind of. It's a better quality beer than most of the commercial rivals, especially since it's priced in with a lot of mass-produced generic stuff like Stella and Coors Light. Löwenbräu, at time of writing, is on special offer at Asda for £6.40 for 6 330ml bottles, which is a great offer, considering what you get for the money.

A slightly malty taste is evident, which differentiates it from most commercial beers - the adherence to the Bavarian Reinheitsgebot (the 16th century laws that prohibited using any ingredients other than water, barley and hops) resulting in a purity and quality that corporate brews can't readily match. No rice here, just proper Bavarian malt and Noble hops.

Smell - hops are evident, and give a good amount of character. 3/4

Colour - pale golden colour, very clean looking. 3/4

Taste - Quite bitter, but refreshing and clean. Good mouthfeel, good hop balance. 3/4

Overall - A good quality beer, especially at this price point. Highly recommended for just when you want a straight-forward, uncomplicated lager. 9/12